College Tuition Math: A Crash Course

Confetti, indeed.

Writing college essays and submitting applications are but the precursors to the real question of your education, which turns (as so many things do) on money. "Nothing comes amiss, so money comes withal!" – the words of the shrewd servant Grumio sum up the dilemma of college quite nicely. 

The glittering college brochures promise to meet 90% of demonstrated need, disperse tens of thousands of dollars each year, and make all your dreams come true. Still, the fact remains that many private colleges (especially the well-regarded ones) have an annual tuition equal to the median US household income. Yet college seems like the only option for a successful and well-educated life – so what's to do? Welcome to Liv Quicksilver's crash course in college tuition math, offering elucidation (if not quite consolation) in this perplexing branch of mathematics. 

First, fill out the FAFSA and the CSS profile in order to determine your level of need and thus your expected family contribution. This contribution is likely to be about half your family's yearly income, and is thus in the same mathematical category as i in algebra: an imaginary number that just keeps popping up anyway.

Then it is time to look at financial aid offers from colleges. It is best for your mental health to think of college money offers as a gift from a beneficent godfather rather than a coupon from a business hoping to win your patronage along with most of your savings. A $25,000 scholarship is practically free money – not a 30% off coupon on a $83,000 tuition. 

Be sure to read through offers of financial aid very carefully. The average letter is likely to tell something like this one (lightly edited) which I recently received (the name of the school in question is Providence College, but for particular reasons I shall conceal it under the name of Snickersneeze University):

The direct cost of the privilege of attending Snickersneeze University is $84,430; while textbooks, loan fees, etc. bring your total cost to a moderate $87,570, per year (with about an 85% chance you'll graduate in four years). 

However, since we understand this amount of money may be hard to come up with all at once, we have generously granted you financial aid in the amount of $1,000 (which may be renewable after your first year, but no promises), bringing the total to a mere $86,570. 

Just in case you haven't planned properly and still need more help, the federal government will grudgingly loan you up to $5,500, as long as you mortgage your first-born child as surety. 

This brings your cost down to $81,070 per year, and the final amount you owe directly to Snickersneeze University is $77, 930 – you have to keep track of the loan fees yourself. Fortunately, Snickersneeze University ranks among the top colleges in the nation for student drinking, so if you have any money left over you will be in good company drowning your anxiety in copious amounts of alcohol.  Yay for you! Submit your deposit and become a Sneezer today! 

No one will blame you if you need smelling salts and a glass of brandy after perusing this helpful document. Of course, you can always appeal for more financial aid...

Finally, you must remember to forget that college loans are the one type of loan that cannot be dissolved through declaring bankruptcy. This is key because you will almost certainly have to take out loans in order to pay the remainder of the tuition, and it would be unduly sobering to imagine thousands of dollars in college debt following you for the rest of your life like the Furies. That is the last thing you need as you set off to enjoy your college experience! 

In short, the bargain is a familiar one: give up all your current riches, mortgage your future treasure – don't think too hard, since it seems like the only option – and then sit back and enjoy while the university in question spins your head of straw into pure gold! 

Except this time...the name is what you're paying for.
And there's no loophole.

Good luck!

Liv Quicksilver

The New College Essay Prompts

 The most selective universities and colleges of the United States have just released next year's prompts for the supplemental application essays. With wide-ranging topics and a variety of requirements, these prompts will surely delight applicants looking to spend several months laboring over essays someone will glance over for two minutes and then most likely reject. [Editor's notes included.] Enjoy! 

At Yale, we have many people doing many different things. We have many people doing the same thing. We also have lots of people doing other things. Reflect on this prompt and tell us what things you intend to bring to our wonderful campus. Limit: 50 words or 500 characters. 

Describe a particularly acrimonious argument you had with someone that went absolutely nowhere. At least 523 words, maximum.

Tell us about your life as it relates to Columbia. Strict limit: 17 words. 

We seek to enroll a class at Harvard that is diverse and creative, yet not too creative. Please write an essay about one way in which you have thought inside the box of being-outside-the-box. If this doesn't resonate with you, please rethink your life decisions. Between 500 and 650 words. [Yes, this is basically asking you to write a second personal essay. Who said life at Harvard would be easy?]

Be yourself. As long as it's the right kind of self. 63 words.

Please write a thoughtful essay on a surprising encounter with a unique person of Hispanic or Indigenous descent you've recently had during a representative community work or volunteer day or an interesting extracurricular activity. Required length: at least 400 words but no more than 401. [No one else knows what all those adjectives are useful for either.]

Write an essay about the hardships you've faced in your high school years while assuring us that you can afford a $80,000 per year tuition. Try not to think about the hardships this tuition will almost certainly cause you in college. 200 words, but only because we're feeling lenient. 

Please write an essay that shows how politically correct you are. Use as many clichés as possible. 21 to 412 words but must be an even number. 

Write a letter explaining why you and Brown University are a match made in heaven. Woo us but don't hit on us. [Figure it out.] Whatever length feels right as long as it's between 483 and 507 words and about three paragraphs. 

What does community mean to you as you hope to leave behind your own community for Princeton's? Reflect, relate, relax - but don't judge. Try not to remember that you'll almost certainly be rejected no matter what you write. Length: about two paragraphs, if they're good ones. Otherwise, strict limit of five sentences. 

At Cornell, we seek to build a class who will think along conventional lines and mostly agree with us on controversial issues. Therefore, write a 761-word essay about justice, inclusivity, diversity, adversity, university, perversity etc. [Whoops, looks like someone got a little carried away.] 

MIT: Write a letter to someone you know that tells one thing you've always wanted to say to them but never actually dared to. Send it off. Then prove you did it and give us a copy. We'll probably still reject you but at least your life will be more interesting.  

At Bryant, we greatly value giving back to the community. At the same time, we run a business, not a charity. Tell us how you intend to make money with a degree from Bryant while also paying back an alarmingly vague amount of student debt. Be specific. 79 words. 

Relate, reconsider, reduce, reuse, recycle, reconvene, reimagine, redo, regurgitate.            500 words.

Liv Quicksilver