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| Confetti, indeed. |
Writing college essays and submitting applications are but the precursors to the real question of your education, which turns (as so many things do) on money. "Nothing comes amiss, so money comes withal!" – the words of the shrewd servant Grumio sum up the dilemma of college quite nicely.
The glittering college brochures promise to meet 90% of demonstrated need, disperse tens of thousands of dollars each year, and make all your dreams come true. Still, the fact remains that many private colleges (especially the well-regarded ones) have an annual tuition equal to the median US household income. Yet college seems like the only option for a successful and well-educated life – so what's to do? Welcome to Liv Quicksilver's crash course in college tuition math, offering elucidation (if not quite consolation) in this perplexing branch of mathematics.
First, fill out the FAFSA and the CSS profile in order to determine your level of need and thus your expected family contribution. This contribution is likely to be about half your family's yearly income, and is thus in the same mathematical category as i in algebra: an imaginary number that just keeps popping up anyway.
Then it is time to look at financial aid offers from colleges. It is best for your mental health to think of college money offers as a gift from a beneficent godfather rather than a coupon from a business hoping to win your patronage along with most of your savings. A $25,000 scholarship is practically free money – not a 30% off coupon on a $83,000 tuition.
Be sure to read through offers of financial aid very carefully. The average letter is likely to tell something like this one (lightly edited) which I recently received (the name of the school in question is Providence College, but for particular reasons I shall conceal it under the name of Snickersneeze University):
The direct cost of the privilege of attending Snickersneeze University is $84,430; while textbooks, loan fees, etc. bring your total cost to a moderate $87,570, per year (with about an 85% chance you'll graduate in four years).
However, since we understand this amount of money may be hard to come up with all at once, we have generously granted you financial aid in the amount of $1,000 (which may be renewable after your first year, but no promises), bringing the total to a mere $86,570.
Just in case you haven't planned properly and still need more help, the federal government will grudgingly loan you up to $5,500, as long as you mortgage your first-born child as surety.
This brings your cost down to $81,070 per year, and the final amount you owe directly to Snickersneeze University is $77, 930 – you have to keep track of the loan fees yourself. Fortunately, Snickersneeze University ranks among the top colleges in the nation for student drinking, so if you have any money left over you will be in good company drowning your anxiety in copious amounts of alcohol. Yay for you! Submit your deposit and become a Sneezer today!
No one will blame you if you need smelling salts and a glass of brandy after perusing this helpful document. Of course, you can always appeal for more financial aid...
Finally, you must remember to forget that college loans are the one type of loan that cannot be dissolved through declaring bankruptcy. This is key because you will almost certainly have to take out loans in order to pay the remainder of the tuition, and it would be unduly sobering to imagine thousands of dollars in college debt following you for the rest of your life like the Furies. That is the last thing you need as you set off to enjoy your college experience!
In short, the bargain is a familiar one: give up all your current riches, mortgage your future treasure – don't think too hard, since it seems like the only option – and then sit back and enjoy while the university in question spins your head of straw into pure gold!
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| Except this time...the name is what you're paying for. And there's no loophole. |
Liv Quicksilver
